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08:12pm 25/07/2013
mood: depressed
Is this thing on? *tap tap tap* hello?. Ahem been a while since I have been here, but Facebook is too public, and sometimes ya jut need to spin your wheels and spew word vomit without a huge audience that just doesn't really understand you. Since I don't think anyone uses this anymore this seems like safe haven.
Feeling a bit depressed lately, the kind of depressed when you feel lonely even in a room of people you know. Just don't feel like I'm really connecting lately with anyone, and I could really use a friend, but not any of the ones that are available to me lately. Not sure why, but just don't feel very close to anyone lately. Stale bread! Guess I'm just fighting some demons lately, not sure what to do or which way is best. Not happy, easily put. Not happy at all.
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11:18pm 17/08/2012
mood: depressed
i stumbled upon my old LJ, jeeze ,looking back at all my struggles is depressing.seems that i have come full circle. right back to that dark place again. its really a hard thought to swallow that im back here again, and im back here again because i feel i need the freedom to pour my soul out, and not just drop hints on facebook, or share dumb memes. I have a voice, i have a mind, i have things that i have been holding on to my whole life clutching for dear life in hope that those thoughts might surmount to something valuable one day. the truth about life is that everything is a cycle, one big fucking circle. i have been here before and i will be here again. i remember what life was like when i was younger like really young. always a bit of an outcast, never really fit in, always shy and quiet. i got picked on for being meek, for being the outsider, but no one ever really made me feel comfortable or welcome.i adapted to being the loner at a very young age. i have always been quiet, which i am now seeing has been a problem, i have always been pushed into things, and made to feel threatened into doing things. and thats not fair. I am a special kind of person, and i am very talented, and i deserve to be on top of my game. i should not be so depressed and struggling through emotions.
i hate being me. but i wouldnt want to be anyone else. i just dont understand why i have to struggle through this emotional life.
evil dead the musical   
12:01pm 05/11/2006
mood: bouncy
OMG!!!! EVil Dead The Musical, is by far my favorite cult show ever!!!!!!! i took mike for his birthday and we laughed, and we giggled, and we got completely wet sticky and gross. we sat in the splatter zone and we got splattered allllll over with blood... THEY sang, they danced, they made bad jokes, they turned into deadite zombies, they killed each other, they threw blood everywhere. It was so much fun, i wanna see it like a hundred more times. it was rude, lewd, crude and bloody. it doesnt get any better. Rocky horror eat your heart out, i vote this a better show. they did such a great job, the acting was amazing the singing was perfect, the dance routines was hysterical, the set was right on. we walked through the city and the subway and everyone gave us strange looks and avoided us, the subway was dead ass quiet once we sat down, even the cops in penn station stared us up and down. mike was totally soaked with the watery blood.. like to the bone, shivering from the cold... i got the wet stuff and the sticky goo, the sticky goo was uber stickey and red like staining my forehead and hands and all in my hair. it was sooooo mmuucchhhh fffuuuuunnnnn...

on a much different note... today im going to the wake for my friend Gio. Giovanni Romanelli, the owner of Smokin Bike Works in shirley. he had an unfortunate accident on Halloween. he just turned 30, and was a Super Hardworking, determined guy. he blew me off for appointments all the time because he needed to be at work to be on top of things, he truely was a great guy and i really liked him. i feel like my soul has known him much longer then the reality. Always surviving but not a survivor, Gio will definitley be remembered.
04:53am 27/10/2006
  grams is good, she was up and about a bit today and laughing. i got to sign her special heart pillow they gave her so when she coughs she has to hug it. they had to crack her sternum (OUCH) so now she has like staples or some kind of metal things to hold the bones back together...she is really in good spirits and we are all glad that things went so well... open heart surgery is very serious and scarey especially for a 78 year old woman. after all we went through when my poppy died, we were worried... Grandpa was VERY sick, and everyday he had another surgery or procedure, and all he did was feel pain. he felt pain constantly for along time... and when he died he was legally blind, missing most of one leg, and half a foot on the other. all he did was cry and plead. the doctors did not help him,they tortured him. he was 78 when he passed. i miss him so much. i grew up spending most of my time with my grandparents, so my mom could work to support us. and now my mom is very sick too. and it stresses me out, because i cant watch her suffer the way grandpa did. i need to take special care of myself so i dont end up that way. im trying to, and i think im doing well.  
08:47pm 25/10/2006
  my grandma had heart surgery this morning. all yesterday i spent at the hospital with my family, she was so scared, and when grandma is scared we are all scared. she kept telling me how much she loves me and that she wished she could really let me know how much, and that i am her favorite grandchild, and she just cried, she told me how much it means to her that i am close to my baby cousin (shes 3), and that i am part of the family. so of course i cried... 10 times... she held my hand and cried... i really felt so bad, but i knew she would be ok. and she is ok, the surgery went well, and she is stable, i saw her this morning but she wasnt conscious yet. my dad is on his way there now to see her, i would have been there with him but i totally fell asleep and didnt hear my phone when he called because i forgot to take it off silent when i got home earlier i was sooo exhausted from worrying and not sleeping well all night.
my uncle in florida had an arguement with my grandma a few days earlier and he hung up on her.. hes a little strange. and my whole family was not going to tell him anything and leave him in the dark.. well i saw him online earlier and i spilled the beans, i think he should know, even if he hates her he should know. i really wish he could be part of our family and not be so weird. i mean seriously he has never seen his sisters child since her christening, and like i said shes 3... no cards, no phone calls, nothing. not for anyone. and it sucks. because he has a teenage daughter that barely knows a huge part of her family.. and we are a pretty close family, and very warm. and guess what hes a veterinary doctor, with a great practice and a bit of money, and hes smart, and even an inventor with patents. whats his deal?! he sold out and no one knows why.
in an effort to distract from my issues last night, i called about 11 people, 7 of them didnt answer and usually dont, never called me back, and apparently arent really there for me, and should be written off. 2 others had excuses, and the one shining light that came through is my long time genuine friend John, this guy has a huge heart of gold and when ever everyone else fails this kid is there to pick up the pieces. i really value his friendship over everyone else. and the other is sarah, she really sat through a rough episode with me today, and i thank her greatly for listening and being strong support. i really keep alot inside these days, and this girl is probably the only person who knows most of what is there. i have definitly retreated alot inside myself, and there is so much im not saying, im biting my tongue and swallowing my heart, because the sad truth is yall dont wanna hear it. i feel like i do so much for people, maybe they are too ignorant to realize, and too wrapped up in there self centered lives, and maybe they all think i am selfish, but the bottom line is I AM NOT! i go out of my way for people all the time, and if anyone needed anything or needed a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, a ride, a favor, just about anything, all they have to do is ask. maybe i invest too much in the wrong people, maybe its most people, all i know is that im not very happy, im super depressed, but im functioning, i know im an emotional retard but arent we all...ok im done.. john just called for the update and asked me to come meet up with him. so im going...
11:21am 24/10/2006
What Your Bathroom Habits Say About You

You are very independent and self-centered. You don't solve other people's problems - and you don't expect them to solve yours.

Your idea of fashion is jeans and a t-shirt. Clean, if you're lucky.

You have the perfect blend of confidence and class. You're proud of who you are - but you don't broadcast it.

In relationships, you are practical and realistic. You have a romantic side, but you only let it out when it's appropriate.
03:24pm 10/10/2006
  my uncle michael who is my aunts husband, they live in georgia, OD'd yesterday and my aunt found him dead in the bathroom. they were having problems, stemming from his "problem" and were on there way to divorce. i know part of her is better having him out of her life, but when you spend 20 years with a person they are still a huge piece of your heart...so she says shes ok.. but i told her there is a whole new world of emotions on the way..i offered to come down and spend time with her but she was too blank and mindly cluttered to grasp the concept..i suppose if theres a service i will be driving down to georgia this week to be supportive for my cousins and my aunt...  
12:54am 03/10/2006
mood: awake
still uploading massive amounts of cds into my hard drive. everything i put in seems to get catagorized as electronica, i never realized how elektro i really was till now...shit i am a huge fag arent i. i seemed to have have come full cirlce with LJ...i was away from Lj for a awhile..but its good because its more private then myspace... myspace is for networking, live journal is for reflection. i was having emotion problems and was not able to put anything in writing, especially not in LJ. i still am having issues with my memory warehouse, and the file system in there. but the pieces are being picked up one page at a time. its all getting worked through slowly.
And i want to take another minute to say that Justin and the Terminal Thunder crew threw an amazing party down in brooklyn saturday for the Dark Arts festival, and as usual Covenant rocked.it was out of the way and dingy dirty falling apart, i thought the floor was gonna collapse at one point. BUT I LOVED THAT IT WAS SO uhmmm-eerrrrr-aaa-heh *INDUSTRIAL* , and the scarey fire escape stairway,and the funky no toilet paper bathroom, whos idea was it to not get TP by the way. the crowd was drawn from all over mass, conn,jersey,penn, i saw all them license plates lining the streets with black clad warriors locking up the doors...
Im gonna try to get down to Hanzel und Gretyl monday.
thanx to maggie for keeping me company too i appreciate it. im glad we got past alot of the misunderstandings caused by an unnamable maniacle person from the distant past whos name starts with a "T".
well im glad things seem to be looking up for now, lets hope they stay good through halloween. i need a rockin halloween. i wanna wear my costume i never got to wear last year that i worked crazy hard on. heh he. hard-on...oh have i also mentioned that im a pervert? this is all new to me as well, but the internet has much resources to learn about new things. and i guess you could say i like some fairly different things, then would be expected for me. and btw i dont like lesbian porn at all. i hate that word.. lesbian it sounds like disease..like OMG you have lesbian, im so sorry are you gonna die? lol..i thought that was hysterical.and i definitly am more interested when people have tattoos, its makes it more fun to watch, i try to figure out what the tattoo is. theres this one chick whos mad ugly but she has this like weird thing tattood all up on her box its huge, it looks like a man eatting flower...oi..well anyway everyones on away messages, and offline so i guess i should go too.
01:47pm 02/10/2006
  im being lazy today, so much to do, and its overwhelming...i must clean my desk.  
hi *edited for JP* And JP and Maniak are the best...   
05:19am 01/10/2006
  hi everyone,no i didnt fall off the earth i was just mearly lost for awhile...i went to an amazing covenant show tonight in a ghetto warehouse. it was amazing, lets here it for the dark arts...i am a huge music nerd, but i love covenant more then i love my own little world..covenant makes everything go away. i stand alone. and im totally ok with that, i am my own self motivated go get em kinda person. when im not having major monophobia anxiety. and i do know tons of people, just none of them are actually like hang out friends. covenant rocks my world totally inside and out. ok im out.night  
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better note...   
12:02am 15/09/2006
  "chill pill" makes me squishy on the inside. things are ok otherwise, everyday shows more progress. im learning all sorts of things and opening my mind up, being a better person. not letting my anxiety rule everyday. reading more. going out by myself more. reuniting with long ago friends i shoulda kept tighter. overall im doing pretty damn good.  
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here i am   
11:28pm 14/09/2006
  well well...in need of updating indeed...well Tim Kern tried to dig to china through my poor elbow... i took a chill pill on the way home on the train and now im sorta mushy and deep fried. 5 hours of pain makes me loopy to start with. my moms still in the hospital since saturday, she has a blood infection.hopefully she will come home soon. my gliders are forcebly mating. GROSS!!! keeping me up all night.. by brand new 10 day old ipod decided to have harddrive failure. and apple recalled my laptop battery. hmm what else... not much otherwise going on, the weather is changing, makes me sad. the days fly by like a whirlwind of chaos. my little cousins birthday is in 2 weeks, she is a terror, but i love her to pieces.  
11:40am 03/06/2006
  ok soooo... you think i hate you cause your black, you think i make ridiculous rules and prices cause your black, you role your eyes and flare your nostrils and contort your face to look as ugly as possible, because you think i hate you cause your black, i dont hate you cause your black, i hate you cause you think i hate you and you make me mad by thinking that i hate you cause your black. your right i hate you, but i only decided to hate you after you used your cocky cheap attitude to use your minority status as an excuse. grow up stop using your race or your religion as an excuse. im not gonna judge you by your minorities, im gonna judge you by your ignorance. so everyone wake up and stop being cheap ignorant pricks. yess that applies to everyone, not just black people. i need everyone to understand im a minority too and i dont use it as an excuse. and HELLLOOOO stop asking for your bf or gf names.... i DONT do names. its not worth the jinx on your relationship, the measly 30$ is not worth it to me to kill your relationship..and i certainly am not gonna cover your name...grrrrrrrrrr im a minority too, and i dont roll my eyes and question things because of it.  
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01:08pm 13/04/2006
  i went to use the bathroom at 2 am, and as i walked by the bathroom i heard my mom inside calling my name, so i went in and shes sitting there very distressed, and tells me she fell earlier and now her leg is in extreme pain and she is stuck and cant get off the toilet. so after 5 minutes i figured out a safe way to lift her to her feet. she oooo and aaaa'd and yelled at me but i got her on her feet.. she then began this pathetic limp shuffle crawl thing and said "should i go to the hospital?" and i said do you want to, and ya know when she says she wants to go to the hospital SHE WANTS TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. my poor sick mother does not like the hospital, shes been in and out of emergency rooms, ambulances, surgery, doctors offices more then any of us really ever want to even know about. so i said ok we are going to the hospital, she stubbornly shuffled down the hall whimpering like a puppy and attempted to get slipers which she couldnt find so i put socks on her (she couldnt even get socks on that how weak and fragile she is). and tom got up and helped get her coat on and get her standing..by 2:30 we were in route to the emergency room. after we struggled to get her down the hall through the kitchen down the few steps outside and across the lawn and into the car, that was sooo difficult.. well she didnt break anything, they just wrapped her ankle up and put a huge brace on her leg and gave her some meds and a cane..the cane wont be much use because shes too weak to use it for support.. and her right arm/hand is doing really bad right now and has very little strength, she can hardly walk as it is, she always said she was gonna eb in a wheelchair and im starting to believe she might be right. but she also doesnt do any stretching and basic exercise to build up her weak body at all...well getting her out of the car in to the house took half an hour and really was hard,i was tempted to just pick her up and carry her but everytime i try to do that she fights me on it and has a fit... once she go to the doorway i walked away and tom did it on his own..my back was killing me from leaning in odd positions to support her. we didnt get home till 5:30. by the time i wound down enough to sleep it was after 6. im exhausted.  
11:44am 08/04/2006
  its been so busy i havent been able to keep up...i was in california all last weekend, and then i came home and got thrown to the lions. i cant complain, i need the money. but now im stressing cause im not ready for my appointments. i want a palm tree, a little baby one. i would name it Shorty. im so depressed about my birthday coming... 26, what a not exciting number, atleast 25 was a bold accomplishment.which means next year ill be 27, now that is just down right sad..its just creeping up on 30... when i was 14 i thought i would never see 28 because i was too rockstar for that crap. real rock stars dont live past 28.lol..boi was i wrong...isnt iggy pop like 80? btw..in love, i am totally loving someone like i havent loved in what seems like ever, and a Femme at that. she sure knows how to leave a good hickey, i like hickeys,, mmmm and biting. she sure can get me super hot, lol i know none of you needed to know that. but seriously shes more amazing then anyone. shes a bit older then me (31) and she has an adorable 7 year old son who is just the cutest little fag in training. (he picked the pastel pink and purple blanket). on another note im sooooo super sore from the gym i hadda make-up for missing 2 gym nights. i dunno whats up but i have been craving potato chips for the last 3 weeks. i love lays potato chips they are god.oh remind me to tell yall about the mummies in my next post....mmmmmmm mummies i love them..  
Palm trees   
05:47pm 03/04/2006
  i came all the way to los angeles and what did i take pictures of? PALM TREES. and the beautiful girlie. we hung out and had a great time together.  
11:17pm 29/03/2006
  i think i packed too much...hmm its only 4 days what was i thinking...do i need 6 shirts, and 6 pairs of sox and 6 pairs of under wear, what am i saying ,YESSS...i neeeeeedddd it..every day needs a fresh shirt and sox and underwear, and then at the end of the day i need a fresh shirt to sleep in...ya know what theres gonna be a washer dryer where im staying why am i stressing...  
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11:45am 25/03/2006
  well i started packing for my vacation. and realized that i have gotta stop shopping at old navy its turning me into one of them old navy butches *EEP* i cant have that. that does not fairly represent my personality. i gotta reclaim my status. i should start by wearing my boots more often *tears sneakers off and throws them* ah ha steel toed knee high Gripfast beat up combat boots... (some of the eyelets are missing and there super scuffed up).. well thats the first step...lmao...off to work i go...  
11:08am 22/03/2006
  i figured now was a good time to update...been busy at the studio, stressing about having enough money to go to los angeles with next week, missing my friend mike because all he does is work i never see him anymore. took billy to the DMV monday spent hours there... oh BTW hes back with the ignorant jerk chris, I HATE CHRIS!!!!!!!! im plotting his death as we speak. uhm yeah.. sooo..... thats about it nothing new or exciting going on. i hate that the sun heats up my room in the morning, by like 9:30 i start to feel like a roast turkey trapped in blankets. blech.. well i gotta go...im picking up kris today, barbara has her car cause barbaras car is in the shop.  
02:46am 05/03/2006
Armed and Dangerous
Congratulations! You scored 86%!

You made it out, alive and well supplied. You probably even kept most of
your party alive too. You know what to look for, what to take, and when to
just run. You even feel a strange inkling to go back. If you did, you'd probably
do just fine.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 78% on survivalpoints
Link: The Zombie Scenario Survivor Test written by ci8db4uok on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test