apoptygmabzrk (apoptygmabzrk) wrote,


my grandma had heart surgery this morning. all yesterday i spent at the hospital with my family, she was so scared, and when grandma is scared we are all scared. she kept telling me how much she loves me and that she wished she could really let me know how much, and that i am her favorite grandchild, and she just cried, she told me how much it means to her that i am close to my baby cousin (shes 3), and that i am part of the family. so of course i cried... 10 times... she held my hand and cried... i really felt so bad, but i knew she would be ok. and she is ok, the surgery went well, and she is stable, i saw her this morning but she wasnt conscious yet. my dad is on his way there now to see her, i would have been there with him but i totally fell asleep and didnt hear my phone when he called because i forgot to take it off silent when i got home earlier i was sooo exhausted from worrying and not sleeping well all night.
my uncle in florida had an arguement with my grandma a few days earlier and he hung up on her.. hes a little strange. and my whole family was not going to tell him anything and leave him in the dark.. well i saw him online earlier and i spilled the beans, i think he should know, even if he hates her he should know. i really wish he could be part of our family and not be so weird. i mean seriously he has never seen his sisters child since her christening, and like i said shes 3... no cards, no phone calls, nothing. not for anyone. and it sucks. because he has a teenage daughter that barely knows a huge part of her family.. and we are a pretty close family, and very warm. and guess what hes a veterinary doctor, with a great practice and a bit of money, and hes smart, and even an inventor with patents. whats his deal?! he sold out and no one knows why.
in an effort to distract from my issues last night, i called about 11 people, 7 of them didnt answer and usually dont, never called me back, and apparently arent really there for me, and should be written off. 2 others had excuses, and the one shining light that came through is my long time genuine friend John, this guy has a huge heart of gold and when ever everyone else fails this kid is there to pick up the pieces. i really value his friendship over everyone else. and the other is sarah, she really sat through a rough episode with me today, and i thank her greatly for listening and being strong support. i really keep alot inside these days, and this girl is probably the only person who knows most of what is there. i have definitly retreated alot inside myself, and there is so much im not saying, im biting my tongue and swallowing my heart, because the sad truth is yall dont wanna hear it. i feel like i do so much for people, maybe they are too ignorant to realize, and too wrapped up in there self centered lives, and maybe they all think i am selfish, but the bottom line is I AM NOT! i go out of my way for people all the time, and if anyone needed anything or needed a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, a ride, a favor, just about anything, all they have to do is ask. maybe i invest too much in the wrong people, maybe its most people, all i know is that im not very happy, im super depressed, but im functioning, i know im an emotional retard but arent we all...ok im done.. john just called for the update and asked me to come meet up with him. so im going...
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